


flipside

by heysunny



Category: AKB48, AKB48 & Related Fandoms, NMB48
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, F/F, Mental Instability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-19
Updated: 2014-08-19
Packaged: 2018-02-13 20:53:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2164833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heysunny/pseuds/heysunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i'm sorry (i didn't love you enough)</p>
            </blockquote>





	flipside

**Author's Note:**

> **length:** ~3100w  
>  **tw:** mental illness, strong language, suicidal

“That’s all you ever do. That’s your life mission! Going around and spreading your legs for every _fucking_ person—”

There’s a loud, painful sound interrupting Miyuki as a hand lashes out on her in a slap. A flash of pain explodes in her cheeks as she covers the hurting spot, staring unbelievably and with flames sparking up in her eyes at the other, her teeth gritting against each other.

“You take back what you said, right now,” Sayaka’s voice is flat and demanding, but her eyes are just as filled with fury as the pair of the woman standing in front of her.

“Why the fuck would I do that?” Miyuki spits the words and instead of backing away, she takes a step closer to Sayaka, so that their faces would be as close as possible; their eyes piercing into each other’s like poisonous daggers, the warmth of their body caused by anger radiating, their hushed, irregular breathing being the only sounds interrupting the brief silence that settles in the room.

How many times has this happened before?

Miyuki’s already lost count after the fourth time.

Sayaka’s probably never really cared.

Otherwise, Miyuki probably wouldn’t have found her in that bar she herself had been a barista at for four years before she quit for Sayaka’s sake.

_Sayaka’s sake._

She had sacrificed so much just to be together with her.

And what does she get in return? The sight of some random hooker having almost her entire fist buried deep inside her girlfriend’s pussy.

This shouldn’t be happening.

Then again, that’s also been said countless times already and it never changed a single thing.

“You won’t ever change, will you?” Miyuki whispers the words against Sayaka’s slightly parted lips and she gets a snort as an answer.

“And what about you? What about you randomly lashing out on me because something petty thing happened you took as a catastrophe?” Sayaka bursts out, her nose now brushing against Miyuki’s. “How many fucking times have you jumped at my throat for no fucking reason? How many times did I have to endure your constant mood swings? One day you would be murmuring love poems into my ear and the next day your hands would be strangling me,” she cries, the hand she had used to slap Miyuki in the face twitching again, but she suppresses the urge. “You’re no fucking better than I am.”

Miyuki doesn’t say a word. She’s not looking Sayaka in the eye anymore, her eyes are empty, as if staring right through her girlfriend’s body, right into nothing. She repeats Sayaka’s words over and over again in her head ( _“one day you would be murmuring love poems into my ear and the next day your hands would be strangling me”_ ) and over and over again ( _“how many fucking times have you jumped at my throat for no fucking reason?”_ ) until the room starts spinning around and she’s falling, falling into the depth of a pitch black mass of nothing and with every second and every repeated word the vacuum is pulling her closer in.

That is until she senses Sayaka’s usual scent of vanilla and soap mingled with a faint trace of rosewater and she remembers her arms tightly clutching around her, pulling her into an embrace that could cure all her problems, the wet, passionate kisses their lips shared and how each time Sayaka would knit her fingers into her thick, raven hair and push her body against her own.

And her eyes snap open (she doesn’t remember closing them) and the darkness is gone and she’s staring at Sayaka through the waterfall of her tears.

“But…”

And just a moment later, her lips are pressing hard against Sayaka’s and the older girl groans but it’s not an angry, rather a pleased one as she slams Miyuki against the nearest wall, their bodies colliding and their breaths speeding up, Sayaka’s teeth sinking deep into the younger’s bottom lip as her hand reaches under the waistband of Miyuki’s pants and right between her legs, and Miyuki moans a lustful approval as the pictures of their fight from a few minutes before are slowly being replaced by the sight of Sayaka’s head jerking back in pleasure or her arms sneaking up her body to grope her breasts and within a short period of time, everything is okay again.

*

“Say _aaah~_!” Miyuki smiles a toothful one, the cherry between her fingers flying towards Sayaka’s open mouth and the older bites on it, closing her lips around the other’s fingers and Miyuki lets out a soft shriek of pain but it lasts only so long until Sayaka kisses each of them, slowly, lovingly, warmly.

“That was mean!” Miyuki huffs, crossing her arms and putting on the face of a grumpy child whose candy has been taken away but Sayaka just laughs, wrapping her arms around the younger and pulling her onto her lap, leaning down to bury her face in her dark hair and breathing in the peachy scent of her shampoo. Miyuki hums in contentment as she slowly turns around in her girlfriend’s lap, facing the most beautiful woman she’s ever met and the thought of Sayaka being hers and _only_ hers puts a wide, happy and proud smile on her lips. Sayaka raises an eyebrow in question of the sudden smile but Miyuki just cups her face and aggressively pulls her down for a kiss before the other could object, but of course, she doesn’t, _why would she_ , and the world slowly disappears around them as they kiss, their intense emotions filling each they share. Miyuki lifts her head and pressing her hands against Sayaka’s chest, she pushes her down on the white-red checkered blanket laid out on the light green, completely fresh grass, hovering over her just to ask for another kiss and then another, and another, until they’re fully out of breath and they have to stop if they want to keep doing it in the future.

“Even the weather is rooting for us,” Sayaka mumbles against Miyuki’s hair as she strokes it slowly, and the younger averts her gaze at the clear, lively blue sky above them.

“I guess it does,” she chuckles quietly and turns to kiss Sayaka again when there’s a familiar ringtone interrupting them and the older glances at her bag placed only a few centimeters away from them, hesitating sitting upon her features as her arm twitches readily to reach for her phone and Miyuki notices it.

She kneads her eyebrows, a demanding look shooting at Sayaka as she hurriedly cancels the call of whoever Miyuki doesn’t know about.

“Who was that?”

“The new assistant of my boss,” Sayaka replies almost immediately, and there’s a “SUSPICIOUS” alarm going off in Miyuki’s head at the same instant. “She’s started two days ago and she seems to have developed an immediate dislike towards me although I have no idea how or why but she keeps trying to shove different tasks at me which should be her job.”

Her words – Sayaka’s words are so genuine, they sound so _honest,_ but there’s something gnawing at Miyuki’s thoughts that doesn’t let her believe any of them.

Still, she just nods and lets her head fall back on Sayaka’s chest and she’s sure that the sigh leaving her girlfriend’s lips is a relieved one.

*

Sayaka’s already at the door when someone grabs her wrist and pulls her back.

“Please, don’t go…”

Sayaka tears her hand out of Miyuki’s grasp and faces her, keeping a one meter distance. “Give me one fucking reason good enough for me to stay.”

Miyuki looks at her girlfriend, her eyes starting to get watery and her voice cracking as she speaks. “Am I… am I not a reason good enough…?”

“You really do think so? Because I fucking don’t,” Sayaka snaps, her hand wrapping around the handle of the door. “You promised that you would stop. You promised that you would believe that I had stopped cheating on you and that we would try to live a normal life, a life every normal couple has not this fucked up relationship I don’t even know what it is about anymore because you completely fucked everything up. You kept your promise for two weeks. So why did you start stirring things up again? Why did you have to steal my phone? Why don’t you trust me just this once?”

“But… Sayaka…” Miyuki’s murmuring on the verge of crying, her knees trembling heavily as she tries to take a step closer to her girlfriend.

Sayaka’s expression doesn’t soften; it hardens ever more, if at all.

“I’m done with you, Miyuki,” Sayaka says in such a serious tone Miyuki’s never heard before. “I love you, but I can’t go on like this.”

Sayaka opens the door but Miyuki throws herself at her girlfriend, pushing the door closed again and her body against the older’s.

“Please, please, just another chance…” Miyuki stutters, her lips shaking more with every word she utters. “I’ll be good to you. I’m going to trust you. I swear to everything. I’m going to give you everything I have. I’ll be the best girlfriend you could ever asks for,” she breathes, her lips slightly touching Sayaka’s. “Please, please, please, please, please…”

Sayaka’s suddenly at a loss of words and all she does is just stares at the sobbing Miyuki, not remembering when she wrapped her arms around her trembling body. Miyuki leans into Sayaka’s embrace and showers the older’s neck with moist kisses, her warm breath against her skin like the sweet summer breeze on a fairly hot day.

“One last chance…” she mutters and Miyuki starts crying even harder, but this time it’s from happiness as she buries her face into the crotch of Sayaka’s tear-covered neck.

“I have… something to show you… it’s sort of a compensation for all the trouble I’ve caused…” Miyuki whimpers lightly, her voice only a whisper when they come out and she takes Sayaka’s hand, leading her into the bedroom and the older allows her, once again wondering _why_ she keeps giving it another chance when she already knows it’s not going to work out, no matter how many times they try.

Miyuki asks Sayaka to sit on the bed until she leaves the room to get the present she’s prepared for her and the older waits patiently until the raven returns, her hands hidden behind her back and Miyuki’s face is lit up by a smile, a smile that’s not quite right as Sayaka notices, and yet, when Miyuki asks her to close her eyes, she obeys.

“I’m sorry…” are the words she last hears before there’s a huge _thump_ against her head and the world goes to black.

*

When Sayaka wakes up, Miyuki’s already prepared for it. She sits at the edge of her bed, her legs wiggling in the air like a careless child’s while sitting on a bench in the park and she greets the confused Sayaka with a smile identical to the one the older had last seen and it’s the same, twisted, almost _frightening_ smile that creeps Sayaka out.

“Good morning~,” Miyuki chirps in a surprisingly and somewhat morbidly happy voice and Sayaka wants to move, to reach out to her girlfriend to ask what happened and that’s when she realizes that she can’t – only one glance down at her body is enough to see that she’s been tied to a chair, both her hands and legs and no matter how hard she tries to break out, all she accomplishes is that the rope cuts into her skin, causing a tiny flow of blood escape.

“What did you do to me?” Sayaka asks, her voice as empty as her heart feels right now while she stares at the Miyuki she once fell in love with, the one who has her tied up in that very moment and even thought she could _guess,_ she doesn’t know the exact reason why.

“You’re not leaving me, Sayaka,” Miyuki answers calmly, too calmly, that smile still lingering upon her lips as she stands up and takes a few steps closer to her girlfriend. “Not now. Not ever. We’ll be together until we die…” she murmurs and takes another step, gradually sitting on Sayaka’s lap with her arms sneaking around the older’s neck. “We were meant for each other. Don’t you see? So many ups and downs we had yet we still found our way back to each other. But today, today you broke your promise of never leaving me,” Miyuki says, a deep sigh erupting from her lips. “I had no other choice. I’m so, so, so sorry Sayaka.” Suddenly there are tears bursting out from her eyes as she gazes into her girlfriend’s whose face is filled with disgust and disbelief, emotions that crack Miyuki’s confidence a tiny bit.

“What happened to you, Miyuki?”

Sayaka’s voice is so cold and repulsive that Miyuki starts sobbing, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably as she hugs her girlfriend’s neck.

“I love you, Sayaka, I love you so much I can’t let you go, can’t you understand that? Won’t you?”

The older doesn’t reply for a while and the waiting kills Miyuki.

Why doesn’t she answer?

Does she… _not_ love her?

“If I promise again not to ever leave you, will you untie me?” Sayaka speaks again and there’s hope sparking inside Miyuki upon hearing those words.

Yet, a slight look of disbelief is mirrored upon her features. “How do I know you’re being honest this time?”

“We’ll try?” Sayaka suggests, rubbing her nose against Miyuki’s. “Wouldn’t you stop me again if I tried to leave anyway? You would solve it somehow. Wouldn’t you?”

Miyuki nods after a short pause.

“Does that mean that you love me, Sayaka?”

“I love you so much,” Sayaka replies, and her voice is so warm this time that Miyuki immediately believes it. “Isn’t that why I’m offering this instead of starting to scream for help? Isn’t that why, as you said, we kept finding our way back to each other? Isn’t it what love is all about?”

Miyuki waits a few seconds, analyzing Sayaka’s every word, processing them one by one until she nods. Smiling. “Yes. Yes I guess it is.”

“Then untie me and let me prove it to you,” Sayaka says and Miyuki chews on her bottom lip.

“Okay,” she finally says, standing up. “Okay.”

She goes into the kitchen to get a knife and she cuts the ropes everywhere, freeing Sayaka who doesn’t run away.

Instead, she takes the knife out of Miyuki’s hands and hugs her, tightly, sighing into her raven hair and Miyuki squeezes her girlfriend as she fights her tears back, guilt gathering inside her and slowly eating her up.

*

When she wakes up the next morning, she immediately hears Sayaka’s constant breathing next to her.

But she turns around to check just in case, and indeed, her girlfriend is sleeping next to her, one of her hands locked around her own and Miyuki notices the deep cut the rope had caused and feels an immense amount of guilt.

She can’t swallow the knot that forms in her throat even after getting out of the bed.

What has she done?

Just exactly how far can a person go until it’s not sane anymore?

Has she passed that threshold?

_Why_ exactly did she have to behave like she did yesterday?

Miyuki can’t shake all the negative and guilty thoughts off. She finds the cut ropes still lying around on the floor just where they had left them yesterday, and pictures of the incident keep returning to her mind, poisoning her every thought even further.

_She tied her girlfriend up._

_She thought of keeping her as a hostage just to keep her to herself._

_Love isn’t supposed to be like that._

Miyuki realizes that her hands are shaking when she no longer sees them from the rapid movements and she tries to ease it but she can’t.

She reaches for the ropes on the floor, taking them and hugging them to herself as she waddles into the bathroom, the trembling has now overtaken her entire body.

_Evil, evil, evil._

_Insane._

_Dangerous._

Miyuki shakes her head, her teeth going so hard into her lip that blood starts dripping from it, a few drops of it landing on her hands still gripping the ropes.

She closes the bathroom’s door behind her and waddles to the washing machine, stepping up on it and somehow managing to make it to the top of it, even though her knees keep threatening to give up on her even when she’s already standing on the device. Her eyes look up at the ceiling, pointing at the wooden support beam going across, just slightly lingering below the top.

There’s just enough space between that and the ceiling for the rope to fit through, Miyuki thinks.

She looks down at the ropes, starting to search for the longest one but making it a hard mission for herself as her hands still don’t stop its shaking but she somehow manages to find one that’s just perfect.

Is this the right thing to do?

It has to be.

She’s a danger to Sayaka. She’s not normal. She’s _insane_.

And this way, she doesn’t have to worry about not having Sayaka anymore.

It’ll end with the last memory of her being peacefully asleep right next to her on her bed.

Yes, that’s perfect.

Miyuki’s determined nod signals the start and she reaches up, trying to throw one end of the rope over the beam and after some struggle, she finally succeeds. She believed that the knot would be her hardest task but she finishes it within just a minute of time and she feels accomplished.

Sayaka can wake up anytime.

She needs to hurry before she does and would try to stop her.

Miyuki closes her eyes as she pushes her head through the hole she made.

She takes a deep breath, opening her eyes and stepping on the edge of the washing machine.

_On the count of three._

“One…”

_“I love you so much,” Sayaka replies, and her voice is so warm this time that Miyuki immediately believes it._

“Two…”

_“Isn’t that why I’m offering this instead of starting to scream for help?”_

Miyuki’s tears fall unstoppably, blurring her vision entirely and she has to bite down on her lower lip to prevent herself from screaming.

“Three.”

Miyuki takes a step forward, falling off of the washing machine in the same instant the bathroom’s door slams open. 


End file.
